28 January 2011

The Creepypasta Survival Guide

The Survival Guide

  1. Mirrors and darkness don't mix.
  2. Actually mirrors are a general "NO"; in creepypasta world, there is nothing more sinister.
  3. There is zero chance of survival if you look at the thing that no one else can see or answer its question incorrectly.
  4. If you are alone at night in a creepy mental institution, take some time to consider what the fuck are you doing there. Then, if it is appropriate to do so, leave.
  5. Avoid going to places where everyone else who went there never came back or died inexplicably.
  6. If someone stops your vehicle at night and asks to come with you, it would probably be in your best interests to politely decline.
  7. Killing is the last method of survival; use it sparingly but without fear.
  8. WHO WAS PHONE is always a good thing to ponder. Also who the hell answers a phone while kissing a dead person's sexy daughter? A douche is who.
  9. Get a simple .38 revolver. Load it with 2 silver bullets. If you really feel there is no chance to come alive out of a situation, take one shot at whatever's threatening you. If this doesn't work, you still have the last shot to become an hero with.
  10. Area 51 is simply too well guarded to let you in. Or to let any alien out.
  11. When going to a hotel, try to steer clear of unauthorized areas. If you couldn't resist but you saw a red thing, take some time to consider the price range and hotel standard on your next visit. Have you ever stayed at a haunted Hilton?
  12. When booking your hotel stay, Trip Advisor can be an invaluable tool in deeming whether your choice is the scene of a multiple murder/full of dead people/built at the mouth of hell. Local newspapers can also be helpful.
  13. Invoking demons, speaking weird languages and performing rituals of any kind is considered dangerous. Refrain from doing that, especially around abandoned warehouses, churches, psychiatric institutions, forests and mirrors.
  14. When going to a new area, environmental understanding is a key to survival. Ask around for cursed places, legends, dangers and other details. Listen to the local advice, and don't be afraid to ask if you're unsure of which attacks/disappearances are paranormal and which aren't.
  15. Always have a Bible next to your bed. Provides average reading material, proof of beliefs and a really heavy object to throw at enemies.
  16. Don't count on holy water. Get a sturdy vial of sulfuric acid and let a priest consecrate it.
  17. Japanese priests cleanse rooms by waving katana swords around. Their ritual is also 100% effective on corporeal forms.
  18. If you find 666 messages on your phone, mailbox, email, etc. consider changing the said service provider. Also don't bother listening /reading the messages. It's spam. Extra dimensional, possibly, but spam nevertheless.
  19. Old pharmaceutical companies can't help you. Unless you specifically need “Blood Of The Innocent”, ”Snake Oil”, and “Radioactive Syrup”. Which is never.
  20. If you need to sign it in blood, you do not need to sign it. All mainstream governing bodies will accept contracts signed in ink. Bear this in mind if offered deals that seem too good to be true.
  21. Lighthouses are dangerous. Avoid them at all costs. If you work at a lighthouse consider a career in insurance sales, or veterinary care.
  22. There is simply no reason to listen to music that causes suicidal tendencies, or to watch films that have had strange/disastrous consequences..
  23. If you like to plan ahead and have some money, buy your auntie and uncle a house in Bel-Air. Nothing can harm you there no matter how scared your mother is.
  24. Secret secluded untouched places in old buildings are left untouched for a reason. Pioneers never say die but they have an unusually high mortality rate.
  25. Before you start swimming in the ice-cold waters of a murky lake at the center of a dark forest at midnight, ask yourself if you really want to travel to an ancient and terrifying city. If the answer is "no," then stay at home and watch whatever quality programming is available on Cinemax.
  26. On your 33rd birthday try celebrating in a well-lit house in the company of others.
  27. Refrain from using the One True Name for anything, there is probably a reason people gave it a nick.
  28. Watching TV static for long periods may be hazardous to your health; try satellite TV to combat this problem.
  29. Get a cat. Those furry little hairballs seem to perceive unnatural phenomena better than us, and if desperate, simply throw it at whatever is about to get you.
  30. Cemeteries are bad places, especially in foggy conditions and on Halloween.
  31. Try not to close your eyes, ever. If you must, do so only briefly.
  32. If you hear chanting, run until you are out of earshot.
  33. If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of the creepy little fuckers.
  34. Legends can offer valuable insight of where not to go camping with friends.
  35. When babysitting, ascertain the family's tastes and preferences, to avoid being killed by poorly selected statues.
  36. Even if you are certain that running will not save you, it is always best to try.
  37. Even if the legend you read that convinced you to do whatever satanic ritual you did to summon the demon which is about to rape your ass states that they cannot be killed by bullets, take note that they can likely be wounded. A broken leg is not a figure of speech; it is a fucking leg that is broken. Unless said demon has multiple legs; then you're probably fucked.
  38. Before you pray to Satan to destroy your soul, you may want to stop and consider whether summoning a demon and getting absolutely nothing in return at the cost of your soul is a good idea.
  39. Think twice before going with your friends on a camping trip into a forest where a "mysterious creature" is said to reside. A polite "Thanks, but no." will suffice.
  40. Buy a dog. They will defend you to the end, or at least until whatever horrific being you just summoned with the tears of a thousand orphans eats it and shits out it's reanimated skeleton called gozer the gozerian.
  41. Before going into a mysterious cave with little space and finding mysterious runes written in white, STOP. Ask yourself whether or not it's actually worth it, then turn and get your ass out as fast as the situation warrants before a deathly creature tries to grab your leg.
  42. If you survive, which is unlikely, make sure you become well known as a insane person who some other poor sap will hear about. They will eventually talk to you so you can tell them how to preform a satanic ritual to summon a demonic being. After this you must immediately stop imitating an insane person so that when they come back with their soul in six hundred and sixty six pieces to rage at you for doing this to them your house will be for sale.
  43. Never EVER accept a game cartridge that you played as a child if it's missing a label or is old, shabby and has it's name written on it in marker, no matter how nostalgic you are, its a trap.

Follow these simple rules and little (or massive) harm may befall you. Either way, the important thing is to make sure your tale is told, copied, and pasted repeatedly.

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